The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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