his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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