Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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