pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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