What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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