grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
