toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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