Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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