Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
