my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
