Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
