I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We have started to decorate penises.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
