Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
