worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
