I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
false alarm. still invincible.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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