In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
