btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Randomize
