I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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