im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
