I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
