You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This is my gift to your gina
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
