were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
