tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
