your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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