Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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