Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi