It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
