my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.