I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
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I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
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We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.