Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES