I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
