Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
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