she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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