Someone shit on the floor
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
