Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
