I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
