Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
