got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
