Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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