She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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