I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
