she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
