Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
