Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
