i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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