You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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