Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
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God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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