I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
