Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
