Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
