The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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