mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
A bitchslap is in order.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
