Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize