How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
