If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
