you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you had me at cake vodka
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
