I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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