god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
