Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
