You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
